


Can't Go On

by enigma_kar



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Movie Spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2013-05-12
Packaged: 2017-12-11 14:36:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enigma_kar/pseuds/enigma_kar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Please see notes for summary, as this contains spoilers for the movie Star Trek Into Darkness. Read at your own risk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Go On

**Author's Note:**

> If you are reading this and haven't seen Star Trek Into Darkness and do not wish to be spoiled, I suggest you hit that little 'X' in the corner of your browser and get out of here! Spoilers will be mentioned from here on.
> 
> Summary: In which Leonard McCoy is there for the passing of Jim Kirk and doesn't know how he'll go on.
> 
> Notes: This was written because I think McCoy deserved to be in Kirk's death scene too. I get why he wasn’t... but I felt he really should have been; he's Jim's best and oldest friend, after all! I’ve added in a bit of McKirk slash, because that’s just how I role, but you can read it as strong friendship, if you wish.  
> I’ve also given it a generic title, as it contains many spoilers and I didn’t want to ruin the movie for anyone.

**Can't Go On**

Doctor Leonard H McCoy is deaf to all other sounds except the frantic thumping of his heart and the pounding of his feet on the ground as he runs. Everywhere he looks there are signs of damage. Whole corridors are simply gone; doors jammed half open; shrapnel and debris litter the floor. He knows that if he stopped to investigate further, he’d find the bodies. But he can’t stop. He has to get to engineering. So, he navigates it all numbly and concentrates on his heartbeat.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

Someone collides with Leonard as he rounds a corner and he stumbles back into a wall. Desperately, he flings himself back upright with a groan; he has to keep going. His eyes meet with those of Spock. The two stare at each other for a fraction of a second. They both know why they're running into each other like this. Scotty called them both and Leonard knows it's truly serious. Spock gives the tiniest nod of his head and Leonard grunts. Then they are both back and running hard and Leonard’s heart his beating faster.

Scotty is waiting for them in engineering. His eyes are red-rimmed and his face is grey with defeat. Leonard’s world seems to stop spinning; he knows what that look means.

“No.” He knows the word comes from his mouth, but he can’t hear it past the roaring of blood in his ears. Feeling hollow, he looks towards Spock. But there is a hopeless look on his face that Leonard can’t stand to witness.

With a hurried gesture, Scotty leads them to their captain.

Captain James T Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise is slumped against the glass door. At this sight, all sound comes back as though someone has twiddled the volume wheel on an ancient stereo. Collapsing onto the ground, Leonard smashes a hand on the glass.

“JIM! Jim, can you hear me? Jim we’ve come to get you. Just stay with me, dammit.”

Jim’s eyes open with painful slowness and he blinks too many times to focus on Leonard. He gives a weak smile. “Hey Bones.”

“Scotty, you gotta open this door now,” Leonard demands, spinning around to face the Scotsman.

“I can’t,” Scotty says, his voice breaking and Leonard feels something die in him at those words.

“What?”

“There’s too much radiation... I can’t... I’m sorry. I tried to stop him.”

“No.”

“Doctor, even if we open this door, the radiation will kill the rest of the crew,” Spock says gently. And Leonard wonders how he can sound so calm. Jim is dying and Spock is so calm. Blood boils in him as new anger rises. “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of -”

“Shut up!” Leonard yells, fighting back an urge to wheel around and punch Spock. He spares a second to simply glare at the Vulcan, before turning to look at Scotty, who has fresh tears shining in his eyes. And Leonard knows there is no hope. Fighting an urge to cry out, he turns back to his captain; his Jim. He's angry. Angry at Spock for being so emotionless, angry at Jim for being so goddamn self-sacrificing and heroic. 

“It’s okay, Bones,” Jim says weakly.

“The hell it is,” retorts Leonard almost automatically. “I should have been here. I should have looked after you.”

He shakes his head as though trying to clear it. But Jim’s face is crumpling and Leonard’s mind reels. He’s back in the room they shared at the Academy.

_Leonard looked up from his PADD and study notes as Jim stumbled through the door. With the state he was in, he was surprised Jim had managed to key in the right code for the door._

_“Jim! What on-?”_

_“Oh... hey... Bo... Bone... Bonesey,” he slurred, a grin forming with the last word. Jim let out a giggle. “Bonesey.”_

_“Very funny Jim,” Leonard replied grimly, barely keeping the worry from his face. Once again, Jim had returned drunk and bearing the wounds of someone who had just been in a fight. A bar room brawl, knowing his history. “What happened?” He asked, making his way forward just in time to catch the stumbling man._

_“Nothing,” Jim shook his head like a stubborn child and Leonard sighed; he should have expected an answer like that._

_“Nothing, my ass,” he muttered, half carrying his roommate over to his bed and sitting him down on it. “Stay here a minute, will you. If you’re going to be sick, do it in the bin,” Leonard thrust a bin in front of the kid, before hurrying over to the bathroom where he kept his emergency med kit. As he took the kit out of the cupboard he heard the familiar retch and splatter of someone being sick into a bucket. With a sigh, he returned._

_More vomiting, a hypo and some angry comments later, Leonard found himself stitching his friend’s arm back together. Thankfully, Jim was managing to sit still enough, though the doctor put that down to tiredness rather than co-operation._

_“You’ve got to stop doing this to yourself, Jim,” he said._

_“Not my fault they keep asking for it,” was the reply._

_“Yeah, well if you’re not careful, you’re gonna get yourself killed one day.”_

_Jim scoffed at that. “Nah, that’s not gonna happen. Not when I’ve got you to look after me.” He looked up and gave Leonard such an infectious grin that he had no choice but to give a smile back._

But Leonard can’t smile now. Because this time, he hasn’t been able to look after Jim. He’s too late. “I’m sorry,” he mutters.

“Me too,” Jim croaks. He gives a hacking cough. “Me too, Bones.”

Leonard leans his head against the glass and does nothing to stop the tears that begin to fall. Jim’s in so much pain and there’s nothing he can do to help. He can’t save him. And while Leonard has lost patients before, he’s never felt so helpless in his entire life. Any anger he felt earlier has evaporated. He's defeated.

There’s a soft rustle of cloth and Spock kneels down beside him. Jim’s eyes flick to the Vulcan and he gives a weak smile. “Look at me now, hey Spock. I did what you would have done. Sacrificed myself.”

Leonard turns to look at Spock too and sees a myriad of emotions crossing his broken face. Tears are actually welling up in Spock’s eyes and threatening to spill. Swallowing past the lump in his throat, Leonard reaches out and places a hand on the other man’s shoulder. It’s a sign of how desperate the situation is that Spock doesn’t even flinch at the contact. Instead he reaches out and places a Vulcan salute on the glass between him and Jim.

“I have been, and always shall be, your friend,” he says, a tear leaking from his eye and trailing down his face. Jim gives another weak smile and reaches up to press his hand against the glass too.

“I know, Spock. I know.”

A moment passes in silence and suddenly Leonard doesn’t know what to say. There are so many things he wants to say. That it’s all going to be okay. That it’ll all be fine. That’s he’s going to miss Jim so much. That he doesn’t know what he’s going to do now without Jim. _That he loves Jim_.  But the words are stuck in his throat and all he can do it stare at Jim and try and stop the tears from falling.

“Jim... I-”

But Jim shakes his head and gives another coughing groan. Their eyes meet and Jim knows. Leonard should have understood. Of course Jim knows. Jim already knows how hard it will be and how much he’s going to be missed. He knows how much Leonard loves him. It’s all there and written in his too-blue eyes. Leonard lets out another sob and weakly bangs his hand against the glass. He wants to get to Jim. He wants to hold him one last time. But he can’t.

And Jim’s speaking to Spock again and Leonard knows they’re reaching final words. “Take care of my ship for me, Spock.”

The Vulcan nods, unable to say anything else. A gasp behind them signifies the arrival of Uhura. Spock goes to her and Leonard notes that her sobs become muffled as she weeps into the Vulcan’s chest. Leonard feels something deep in his heart break; the stoic Vulcan is showing empathy and is giving them time along. Spock is giving Jim’s final words to Leonard alone.

“Bones...”  

“I’m here, Jim.”

“I’m so sorry,” he says again and Leonard can tell how hard it is for the younger man to speak.

“Don’t, Jim. It’s okay.” Why does he keep saying that? They both know it’s not going to be okay.

Jim gives a breathy noise that could have once been a chuckle. “Bones, I-”

Leonard wants to let out a cry of anguish. "Don't Jim," he cut off, anticipating what the younger man is going to say. Leonard doesn't think he could stand this becoming some sort of cliched farewell with exchanges of three pathetically sappy words. They don't need that, not when they already know.

“I know,” Leonard goes to say, but he trails off. Because Jim’s eyes are suddenly staring blankly at the glass, not at him. There is no longer any rise or fall of his chest.

He's gone.

Leonard’s world goes numb and silent again. If time passes, he's unaware of it. Darkness washes over him. He’s dimly conscious of hands pulling on his arms and clutching at his shoulder. He feels himself standing, but it’s as though half his body is still kneeling at the glass door with Jim. He finds himself looking at Spock, who is staring at Jim with pure desolation.

He feels, more that sees, the anger rise up in the Vulcan; a great rage that crackles in the air around them. Green is suddenly tinging Spock’s face and his jaw twitches before he lets out a cry that sends chills up Leonard’s spine.

“KKKHHHAAAAAAAAAANN!”

And anger rises up in Leonard’s body too; revenge for the death of his captain. He wants Khan dead. He wants this finished. As Spock races back towards the transporter room, Leonard makes to follow him, but finds Uhura blocking his way.

“Move,” he says, but it still sounds miles away.

“Leo, I can’t let you,” she says, using the nickname she used when they were at the Academy together.

“Nyota, please. I have to.”

Her voice cracks as she replies, “Spock can handle it. You’re needed here.”

He knows she is right. Deep down he knows. He also knows that if she could, she would also be with Spock and chasing down Khan. They stare at each other for a long while. Finally, Leonard lets a broken, wordless cry escapes his lips and Uhura is suddenly embracing him. He can hear sobs from to his left that belong to Scotty and it’s all too much. He buries his face into Uhura’s shoulder and allows himself a moment of comfort.

And in that moment, Leonard can feel the Jim-shaped hole grow in his chest. He knows life is never going to be the same again. Numb shock descends upon him and he vaguely wonders how he will be able to go on. 


End file.
